*Disclaimer- if you have the potential to become offended easily, this story may not be for you. If you continue reading beyond this point, don’t say I didn’t warn you! However, if you enjoy laughing at the expense of others, carry on.
One chilly morning 2 years ago I had an unfortunate accident in a semi-public setting. I’ll just be blunt– I shat my pants in public. You’re maybe wondering if this was one of those “thought it was a fart, but it was a shart” scenarios, but let me tell you right now that wasn’t the case. This was nothing more than an “I couldn’t make it to the toilet in time” situations.
It was a So Cal November morning. The air was crisp and the wind was calm. It was one of those perfect early mornings. I had a peaceful vibe, a productive attitude and I was feelin’ myself, so I set out to run errands. Matios and the baby were still sleeping so I took our 2 and 3 year old along with. To add to my excellent morning, I even threw on my favorite jeans and knee high boots instead of my typical athleisure mom look. It was starting out to be a perfect day.
After accomplishing our errands, I decided we should reward ourselves with some Panera Bread. I wasn’t particularly hungry, but I was in desperate need for a morning coffee. Against my better judgement, I chose to drink coffee on an empty stomach. Now that I’ve changed my diet and learned to manage my tummy troubles, this is no longer a serious problem for me. On this day, however, I tested the limits.
We were sitting and enjoying each other’s company. Mommy was chillin with her sons and there were no tantrums, or meltdowns. Just smiles, laughs, muffins and toddler level conversation. The moment was perfect. Then suddenly, as the boys were finishing up, I began to feel the “bubble guts”. You know, that feeling you get when your lower abdomen warns you to get to a toilet STAT?! If you are still feeling unclear as to what this feeling is, see Urban Dictionary.
Without hesitation, I decided it was time to get the fux out of there. I decided not to use Panera Bread’s restroom because using a public bathroom to drop a deuce while your toddlers hang with you in the stall, isn’t an easy task. I wanted to get home and I felt I had time. Personally, I have no probz doing numero dos in a public restroom if I have to. My oh so eloquent philosophy has always been, “when ya gotta go ya gotta go”. Plus, I go quick and courtesy flush knamsayin? BUT, I’m never in the mood to have my children watching me go and yelling “mommy are you pooping?!” for everyone in the bathroom to hear. Clearly in retrospect this would have been the better choice. Now if I have to, I can do it, and have certainly had to do it with 3 crazy toddlers in the stall with me. #Momlyfe ain’t always pretty. However, please hold your applause for my mom skills—you’re most likely about to judge me.
As we made our way to the car, the bubbles and grumbles in my belly grew more intense. I started to think I wasn’t going to make it, but it was too late to turn around. I had already buckled one in his car seat and was headed to get the other in. At this point, I was just hopeful that once I got them in the seats, I could sit down and hold it in long enough to make it home.
Clearly, that is not what happened. Walking around my mini -van, I headed to the driver door and that’s when I lost bowel control. There was no turning back. I rushed into the driver’s seat because at this point, I still had to drive home– I had to use my jacket to sit on in order to prevent my seat from any damage. And so, I pooped myself while wearing jeans and knee-high boots—which would be a very challenging situation when I had to get into the shower at home, but I’ll spare you the details of that shit show (badummm- pssssh).
There you have it. My second time shitting my pants in public. Oh. Did I not mention the first time? That happens to be this one time in Las Vegas at Ceaser’s Palace. But that’s another story for time…